Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
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