We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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