At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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