I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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