The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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