I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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