But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
COCAINE IS GR8
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
