Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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