If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
