I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
