I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
as a side note pls kill me
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