Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
