I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
