Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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