every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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