Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
