You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
