Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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