I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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