Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
