Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
