we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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