Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
