The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
