sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
