No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
