i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
