Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
