So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
