I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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