He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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