People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
