All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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