He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
