the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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