i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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