Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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