ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
