Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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