Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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