i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
