I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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