i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
