i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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