I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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