My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
