How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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