sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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