maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
