You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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