just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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