My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
