Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I think I have vodka in my lungs
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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