Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
