I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
