I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
