Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
