just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
