After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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