The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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