I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
