oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize