I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
